Wielding the brush.

Hello everyone.

I know I haven't written anything in the past couple of days, but im still around, and I've been up all night with all these strange thoughs in my head, so I figured this would be the perfect way to vent them.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about where im headed, where my actions and urges are really taking me. As for blogging, I've spent more time commenting on the blogs of others rather than tending to my own.

When i look at some of the things people write about, I often find that the most exciting element of what they write is the inspiration that made them write it down in the first place. Some seem as if they want to help others, some are strictly informative, some are even there just to make themselves and others smile, and to me, it seems as if the thoughts and meanings behind the actual content can mean a lot more then just what the words and phrases mean when put together.

And after looking for this inspiration, im left asking myself why. Is it because I draw upon it? Because I need the ideas of other so I can mutate them into my own? Im not really sure, but these days it's hard to be sure of anything, since everything seems to be changing.

When talking about change, I wonder what type of change is the scariest. The big things? Like for instance moving to a new place, or ending a relationship? Or the small things, the things that can fade away without you even noticing that you've lost something, that something is missing.

I used to eat green grapes. A lot of green grapes. Without a doubt, they were my favourite fruit of them all. And then not too long ago... A week, maybe less, I decided to buy some red grapes. Turns out I've been loving the wrong grape for 18 years, I haven't had a green grape since.

Things like that make me wonder how well I know myself, personal insight put aside. Do I know what I like? And if I don't, do I know what I want? What I need? How im going to make it in life? Who I really am? Seeing the small changes in my life becoming more frequent is starting to look a lot scarier than the big ones... Atleast I would have seen the buig ones coming.

And then again, maybe it's all about evolving? Maybe I really did love green grapes more for 18 years, and im making all the right changes at all the right times, exactly when there's room to fit them in, so that everything falls into place? Certainly a lot more hopeful, I would say.

Each choice im presented with brings me a dozen new, as one pathway breaks into a thousand, a world of opportunities at my feet. Seeing it makes me wonder, how I will ever be able to choose the right path, and which path will I choose for which reasons? Well to me, whichever path I choose will be the right one, simply because I chose it, If I hadn't chosen that one, then the other would have been the right one. Each choice I make is right at the time, and it doesent even matter if you follow your mind, your gut or your heart, as long as you do it because you feel that it's the most worthy choice at the time, wether worthy means personal gain, or the selfless addition to someone else.

So inspiration is linked with guidance, the feeling that drives me to always make the right choices, the choices that map out my destiny. A friend of mine told me not too long ago, that her driving force in life was fear, fear of what would happen if she did anything else then what she was doing, fear of what she would go through if she would ever try to break free from the cycle. Hearing this, was deeply depressing.

I once told my father something like that... A long time ago, couldn't have been older than 12 when I said it. I told him that everything I ever did for him was linked directly to my overly intense fear of him, a fear of what would happen if I didn't do things exactly as I had always done them. I broke free of that cycle, and Id like to help others do the same... But im just not ready for that yet, because seeing it disgusts me beyond words.

So what is supposed to shape my life? Well it would have to be the inspiration, may it come from others or from myself, shared, taken, given or found. I wont be able to look at the picture and see how it's all connected until my lifetime masterpiece is complete, but every single day, along the way, I unlock another patch of color, be it dark or bright.

For now, im going to keep painting, and glance at the picture when I can so I can do my best to determine wether or not it represents something good or something bad. I just hope im able to do that. Someone once told me that the blueprints written by a genius can often resemble the scribbles of a madman, I just hope I can tell which is which when looking at myself, I already have enough trouble trying to determine what is sane, and what is crazy.

(heh, long post, had a lot bottled up, sorry guys ^^)

An open hand.

Back again, hello everyone.

Yesterday was full of self realization, but also full of comfort. I spent my day, for the most part poking around other blogs, looking at the views, perspectives, thoughts and experiences of others, and I have to admit, reading this stuff helps me a lot, and I can only hope to one day achieve a level of writing which can serve as a refuge for others.

But, in order to be able to let others in, and to be able to give of myself, I need to remain open. Open in a way that means I will always be ready to give a hand to those who need it, regardless of their own awareness of it. And at the same time, open in a way that allows others to give me what they want, regardless of wether or not i want to accept what they are offering.

This can be the hardest part, atleast for me, when it comes to remaining open. You can't always know what people are going to give you, and sometimes, you end up holding hot coals, and those leave scars. The instinct for some, becomes to keep their hands in their pockets, and stay closed in, without any way of shaking hands with others, having been fooled by the "elecrtical shock ring" a few times too many.

From where I stand atleast, I feel as if I have realized that I always have to expect the best, and not worry about the worst, not even leaving room to fear it. I've been told that my lack of this type of fear, surprises people. Is it because I have no fear? Or could it simply be because I haven't been burnt enough times, yet.

So no matter the situation, I do my best to keep a smile on my face, and always expect the best, where others expect the worst, and where hope has become their only lure towards their goals. For me, hope alone was never enough, and they way things are looking now, I doubt they ever will be. I need expectations aswell. I can't afford to predict how things will be in detail, but I expect tomorrow to be a good day, because if I didn't, why would I bother getting up? Hope?... As I said, I need both.

I truly believe that as long as I remain open, reaching out, I will recieve more good then bad, regardless of wether I have to grab it myself, or if it will be handed to me. Accepting what others want to give me will always be important, even if they wish me harm. (Not that I intend to place myself in the line of fire for anyone at any time, taking care of yourself is important).

If I can't reach out safely, I'll never get the answers I need. And no matter how badly my hand gets singed, it wont heal unless I keep it open, for the raindrops to mend my burns.

Grasping fate.

In 2009, Pisces will enjoy swimming in new dimensions, as the highly charged Aquarius energy allows you to dream big and manifest your ideas. Your imagination soars, awakening a deep desire to seek spiritual truth and meaning in your life -- and in the world.

Your awareness and new perception helps to serve others. You are able to live freely in the world of transformation, and this encourages others to do the same. They feel supported by your wisdom and understanding. Your inspirational qualities are a large part of your purpose in the world -- your ability to heal and inspire.

At times, it may be difficult for you to live in this world of concrete realities, and conversely, sometimes it’s hard for others to understand that all you want to do is live in a world of endless possibilities. As you learn to balance these polarities, harmony prevails.

- Well, I Don't even have the words for it. Thank you Meagan.

The back of my hand.

Third day, and things are changing. Not with the blog this time, but with something else, connected to my life on the outside.

Things around me don't seem to have the same color anymore. Im having a hard time figuring out where i stand. It feels as if i'm surrounded by fog, a thick fog blocking the path i came from, and making me unable to see where i'm going. How did i get here? maybe that doesen't even matter when I know that I can never go back.

This might not make sense to most people, but I don't quite know what to say about it either. A woman is involved, hopefully I don't need to say more. (I know I do, especially to her, and that is the problem here.)

I can't seem to find out where I stand with her anymore, and im crying out for understanding, the one thing I believed I could only ever come to her for, so now i've come here instead.

A part of what makes this hard for me, is the fact that i'm just not used to this. I've always thought i was experienced, and in surprisingly many ways, I am, atleast for someone of my age. But whereever im standing now, I just don't recognize it. I'm alone again, and I can't seem to find my way. I used to know myself so well...

But what good is knowing yourself if suddenly, everything shifts completely and you can't see the side you are familiar with anymore? It's happening to me right now, and the other side is scarier than i thought, but I need to explore it, I need to learn it, I want to understand it, It's a side of me, after all.

I know myself, but I need to flip back over if I want any chance at understanding where I am.

...Am I fighting myself?

First touch.

Back again! Just in time!

My first day of blogging has passed, and to tell the truth, it was great. Yesterday left me with a sensational experience, a feeling of freedom, a feeling of being open, and of being able to put things in perspective. In short, this was a good idea.

After my first attempt at reaching out yesterday, I was overwhelmed by ideas and urges about what to write, what to express next, how i could use this, and how i would make all of these things work for me. So far, i still think it's fantastic.

I'm doing my very best to keep it all in my head, to remember every single brilliant idea that comes to mind about how i can help this all evolve, in whichever direction it proves to take me. I want to let myself go, and just enjoy the ride.

Some things slip away, many of these things, I have no chance of grasping, no chance of grabbing on to, and no chance of being able to hold on to at all. But on the bright side, I always seem to be able to pluck the most delicious fruits... Must be luck, or maybe intuition.

Anyway, even if my choices are becoming more and more of a gamble, i don't think i would want it to be any other way, atleast not for the moment. It's not a case of feeling insecure, it's a case of wanting to explore -new- opportunities. This is still my first time.

I'm still reaching out, still looking, and always waiting, watchful, careful. Can't stay like this forever, but I don't intend to.

What i want to do next, is wave my hand blindly until it brushes up against something, whatever "it" might be.

Unclenching the fist.

Im here.

I dont know why i came here, but that does not matter, not anymore. Im here, and i intend to stay.

I dont know if its because of desire, need, or both. Then again, it could easily be something else, anything else.

Time to reach out. Time to be open in public, and not just when hiding behind closed doors. I always told myself i wouldnt be scared. Time to prove a thing or two to myself, I hope. I hope I have time.

If this goes well, I wont forget myself. Then again, there is nothing im more afraid of. I dont want to lose myself along the way to wherever it is im going, but I cant even be sure of my destination anymore, or even my means of travel.

Not many people know me, many never will. I hope i can learn to know more about others, and have them share themselves with me, as I will do the same, right here.

Hello everyone. Im brand new.

I know this much, Im not alone, but i am lonely.